CAMBRIDGE, MA — In a groundbreaking and completely unrequested study published this week in the Journal of Crack Science, researchers at the Massachusetts Institute of Rectology have declared, definitively and without mercy, that the way a person wipes their ass is the single most accurate predictor of intelligence.
“It’s not about IQ tests or brain scans,” said Dr. Fiona Blech, lead researcher and unlicensed bidet activist. “We’re talking real-world intellect. Street smarts. Do you wipe front to back like a dignified mammal, or are you a babbling Neanderthal dragging the devil’s marker toward your genitals?”
According to the study, individuals who wipe front to back scored highest on intelligence tests, emotional maturity, and were 86% more likely to know the difference between a Roth IRA and a bag of marbles. “It’s the gold standard,” Dr. Blech confirmed. “It shows strategic foresight, spatial awareness, and a basic grasp of hygiene. You wouldn’t butter your bread from the middle outward, would you?”
Conversely, those who wipe back to front — also known in scientific circles as “primal monkeys” — were found to be 7 times more likely to believe in pyramid schemes, flat Earth theories, and the healing power of Moon Juice.
“They’re the people who ask if fish have knees,” said behavioral psychologist Dr. Greg Crundle. “I met a man who wiped back to front and thought wind was a government conspiracy. Case closed.”
Side wipers, a rare but concerning subspecies, reportedly twist their torso like an exorcised owl and reach around sideways, dragging paper across the forbidden canyon like a raccoon painting a fence blindfolded.
“Side wipers are chaos incarnate,” said Crundle. “They park diagonally across three spaces and think ‘password123’ is secure. We believe they may have evolved in isolation or possibly were raised by wolves with scoliosis.”
And then, there are wet wipe users — described in the study as “luxurious but suspicious.” Though hygienic, researchers say these individuals suffer from “delusions of cleanliness” and mild hoarding tendencies.
“They wipe like they’re polishing a Fabergé egg,” Crundle stated. “But ask them to solve a basic algebra problem, and suddenly it’s like you’ve asked them to crack The Central Finite Curve.”
The most elite of ass-cleaners are, of course, bidet users, who the study refers to as “the 1% of the rectal aristocracy.”
“Bidet users are insufferable,” said Crundle. “They’ll never shut up about it. ‘Oh, I could never go back to toilet paper,’ they say, like they discovered fire. Look, we get it. You’ve got a pressurized butthole fountain. Now go take a shower and stop judging me.”
The report also included outliers such as the no-wipers, who insist “nature takes care of it,” and the standers, who rise to wipe like sentient cranes. Both groups were found to share similar neurological profiles with angry raccoons and fax machines.
In response to the study, the White House has issued a statement clarifying that “the President wipes front to back and always has,” in a rare moment of bipartisan praise.
When asked what the implications of this research are, Dr. Blech nodded solemnly. “Simple. If you’re unsure whether someone’s a genius or a moron, don’t look at their resume. Ask them how they clean their ass after taking a fat shit. The truth will always come out in the end.”
Literally.
