WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move that combines fiscal irresponsibility with a dash of national performance art, the U.S. Treasury has announced it will discontinue production of the penny. The twist? Rather than embrace modernity, the Treasury will now double down on America’s love affair with waste by bringing back the half penny. Because if there’s one thing this country loves more than freedom, it’s inefficient coinage and clinging to outdated nonsense like it’s a bald eagle wrapped in a flag.

“It’s a bold, backwards vision,” said Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen, trying very hard not to make direct eye contact with the new coin. “By eliminating the penny, we’re reducing waste. And by immediately introducing something even stupider, we’re doubling it. It’s the kind of uniquely American math that brought us $28 airport sandwiches and the Electoral College.”

For those unfamiliar with niche numismatic failures, the half penny hasn’t been in circulation since 1857—because it was completely fucking useless then, too. It was retired when people collectively agreed that a coin worth half a cent was more trouble than it was worth. But in 2025, it’s making a triumphant, unnecessary return. Because America.

In a turn that has shocked no one and disappointed everyone, President Donald Trump has strongly endorsed the decision, calling the half penny “a tremendous idea—some say the best idea. People are calling it the most important coin maybe ever, and guess what? It’s got my face on it.”

Yes. That’s right. The half penny will proudly bear the image of President Donald J. Trump, a decision that has been hailed as “symbolically appropriate” by political analysts and “painfully on the nose” by literally everyone else.

“The half penny is tiny, annoying, and functionally useless,” said one economics professor. “It’s like if your coin could tweet at 3am about Hillary Clinton and then declare bankruptcy while refusing to pay contractors.”

Supporters of the move—mainly Trump loyalists, coin collectors with a sense of irony, and whatever gremlin designed the new TikTok logo—say the Trump Half Penny will serve as “a powerful reminder that America is committed to moving backwards at full speed, baby.”

When asked how the new coin would be used in a society that increasingly runs on digital transactions and Venmo requests, a Treasury rep enthusiastically explained that it will help Americans “get better at math and worse at patience.”

The half penny will be introduced in early 2026 and is expected to immediately gum up coin-counting machines, confuse children, and serve as a choking hazard for both pets and democracy.

So there you have it. The penny is dead, long live the half penny. Because if there’s one thing America loves more than progress, it’s the illusion of it—preferably packaged in copper, branded with a spray-tanned smirk, and worth less than the time it takes to read this sentence.