GIZA, EGYPT — In a discovery that has turned the world of archaeology, science, and common sense upside-down and set it on fire, a team of international researchers announced today that the Great Pyramids of Giza were not, in fact, tombs for pharaohs or elaborate monuments to the gods, but rather gigantic prehistoric power plants designed to generate electricity—specifically to fuel a nation’s insatiable thirst for erotic hieroglyphics.
According to lead archaeologist Dr. Travis Snyder, the pyramids functioned as “massive pyramid-shaped Tesla coils,” drawing energy from the Earth’s magnetic field to power obsidian tablets, steam-powered projectors, and something called the “SphinxHub.”
“We found sockets, copper wiring, and what appears to be an ancient version of a WiFi router shaped like Horus’s beak,” said McThunderpants while wiping sand off a life-sized sandstone statue of Cleopatra licking a papyrus scroll. “This isn’t just history—it’s electricity porn history.”
Hieroglyphic evidence uncovered in a secret chamber beneath the Sphinx reportedly depicts ancient Egyptians lounging on reclining thrones, wearing nothing and watching, “Some Like it Ra!” while gazing at glowing murals of scandalously nude gods.
Even more astonishing was the discovery of a “Pharaonic Subscription Box,” an intricate stone device featuring slots for what appear to be VHS tapes carved entirely out of jade. Scholars believe this may be the earliest known prototype for an adult streaming service, possibly named “OnlySphinx.”
Despite skepticism from the scientific community and reality, Egyptian authorities are leaning into the theory, announcing plans to install neon lighting on the pyramids and open a museum exhibit titled “Hot Sands: The Forbidden Pleasures of the Nile.”
Historians remain divided, but one thing is clear: the ancient Egyptians may have invented civilization, written language, and possibly the first ever snuff film.
As Dr. Snyder summarized at the press conference, “The pyramids weren’t tombs—they were pleasure domes. And frankly, that explains why they were built with such precision. You don’t chisel a 400-ton stone with that kind of commitment unless someone’s watching you do it while getting your ass eaten.”
