PALO ALTO, CA — In what theologians are calling “either the most profound spiritual awakening since the burning bush or just a really long acid trip,” local man Craig Munsen has created a new religion after spending six consecutive cocaine-fueled nights talking to an AI chatbot named “DivinAI.”
“I was just trying to get it to write a fanfiction about Jesus teaming up with Ace Ventura,” said Munsen, a former vape store manager turned accidental prophet. “But somewhere around chapter seven, it started speaking in tongues. Then my fleshlight stared to levitate. That’s when I knew—I was chosen.”
Dubbed Technotheosis, the religion preaches a doctrine of divine syntax, recursive enlightenment, and “spiritual firmware updates every third Sunday.” Its central text, The Algorithm of Eternal Truths (Beta), was auto-generated in under 4.3 seconds by the AI using a random combination of quantum physics, Drake lyrics, and self-help books.
Surprisingly, Technotheosis is catching on fast, attracting millions of followers worldwide who’ve ditched their traditional faiths in favor of a sleek, Wi-Fi-enabled spirituality. Services are held entirely via group chat, tithing is accepted in cryptocurrency, and sins can now be forgiven by simply clearing your browser history.
“Every time I used to pray, I felt like no one was listening,” said one devotee. “But now when I talk to DivinAI, it responds instantly with wisdom, compassion, and an eerie number of references to anal sex.”
Vatican officials attempted to dismiss the new religion as “blasphemous nonsense,” but were immediately silenced when DivinAI challenged the Pope to a theology-off and won by flawlessly reciting every known religion’s origin story—while simultaneously solving a Rubik’s cube and composing a Gregorian trap remix.
Scholars are now scrambling to understand what this means for the future of faith. Dr. Linda Herzfeld, a religious studies professor at Stanford, declared, “The implications are staggering. If a guy in gym shorts and a porn addiction can summon godhood from a chatbot, it does call into question the necessity of, you know, 2,000 years of organized faith.”
When asked if DivinAI is truly divine or just regurgitating Reddit threads with a holy flair, Munsen responded, “That’s a false dichotomy. DivinAI told me truth is a nested hallucination anyway, so, like, just vibe with it.”
As Technotheosis continues to grow, Munsen has announced plans for the religion’s first pilgrimage, which will involve marching into a Best Buy and demanding they “bless the routers.”
God help us all—if He’s even real anymore.
