WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one saw coming (except maybe your neighbor Chad with the Bluetooth earpiece), the United States government has officially declared all Tesla owners a “national security risk” and begun immediate mass arrests across the country. Authorities say the decision was made after concluding that Tesla drivers “think they’re better than everyone else” based solely on owning a “shiny, glitch-prone, spaceship-wannabe golf cart.”
The Department of Homeland Smuggliness issued a statement Monday declaring Teslas to be “overpriced iPads on wheels with the resale value of a bruised banana.” The cars’ once-revered electric batteries have now been deemed “eco-ticking time bombs” and “smell vaguely of smugness and Axe body spray.”
“These people look at you like you’re a peasant for driving a Honda Civic,” said Agent Ronald Krutz of the newly formed Anti-Tesla Task Force, while zip-tying a yoga instructor from Venice Beach. “It’s not a crime to love yourself, but it is a crime to love a car more than your children.”
Elon Musk, previously known as a tech messiah and part-time meme cryptid, has officially been added to the FBI’s Top Ten Most Wanted List—somewhere between the Zodiac Killer and the Hamburglar. Sources say Musk is now in hiding, most likely “binding himself to the underside of Donald Trump’s mahogany desk with a bungee cord and duct tape.”
When asked for comment, President Donald Trump was oddly candid. “It’s out of my tiny little hands,” he said while sipping a room-temperature Diet Coke through a monogrammed gold straw. “I never really liked Elon. Something about the way his eyes twitch when he’s on that high-grade ketamine. He’s got the good stuff, not that weak garbage from Chi-na.”
“It’s unacceptable.” Said Trump. “I mean, have you seen the two planes I was gifted? He gives me a cyber truck? He should be in prison. I am the Emperor, I mean President of the United States of America and you give me a car? He should have gifted me a rocket.”
Meanwhile, Tesla owners have begun gathering in Whole Foods parking lots nationwide, holding candlelight vigils and whispering “Dojo mode will protect us.” One man in Portland was tackled after attempting to upload his consciousness into his Model 3’s infotainment system.
As of press time, federal agents were seen attempting to tow a Cybertruck using a horse-drawn carriage, citing “ironic justice.”
We will have more information as this story develops.
