WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold move hailed as both “iconic” and “deeply unhinged,” former U.S. Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg announced today that he is legally changing his name to Pete Bootygieg in an effort to resonate more with younger, extremely online Americans.
The announcement came via an overly-filtered Instagram Reel featuring Bootygieg lip-syncing to Doja Cat while gyrating awkwardly in front of a high-speed rail map, marking what his team is calling a “strategic vibe shift.”
“Just because I’m not in office doesn’t mean I’ve stopped believing in better buses,” Bootygieg said, clutching a ring light in one hand and a copy of the U.S. Constitution in the other. “I’ve spent years trying to modernize transportation. If I have to use ass to do it, then so be it.”
Though no longer holding an official title, Bootygieg has remained an outspoken advocate for rail expansion, infrastructure funding, and “trains that don’t suck.” His rebrand, complete with the slogan “Public Transit, Private Booty,” aims to make infrastructure viral — or at least semi-relatable to the youth.
Sources close to the former Transportation Secretary say Bootygieg’s post-government advocacy includes launching Gen Z–targeted initiatives like renaming public transit systems to “slay rides,” calling crosswalks “rizzwalks,” and replacing traffic cones with life-sized NPCs that glitch and yell “SHEESH” when a car gets too close.
“We’ve tried PSAs, town halls, and even train-themed jazz festivals,” said Bootygieg. “Turns out, all we needed was a double-cheeked up transit plan and a scroll-stopping dumper.”
Initial response from young voters has been cautiously amused.
“I’ve never heard of this Pete guy,” said 19-year-old Kenzie Sparrow while filming a lip-sync duet with her Roomba. “But like, if he’s out here with cake and a cause, I’m listening.”
Conservative lawmakers were less enthused. “This is what happens when you let soyboys near trains,” said Senator Josh Hawley, clutching a Bible and a diesel generator. “He’s out of office and still corrupting our youth with cabooses.”
President Trump also weighed in on Truth Social: “Pete Butt-Juice or whatever he’s calling himself now is trying to twerk his way back into relevance. SAD! Even Sleepy Joe didn’t stoop this low — and he fell off a bike!”
At press time, Bootygieg was seen updating his vision board with potential 2028 campaign slogans, including “Booty. Unity. Democracy.” and “A Booty the Nation Can Get Behind.” Only time will tell if the rebrand puts him ahead — or just makes him the butt of the joke.
