LOS ANGELES, CA — Actress and Goop founder Gwyneth Paltrow told reporters this week that placing used tea bags “gently but confidently” up one’s anus can “absorb colon cancer cells before they become problematic.”
The statement, made during a livestreamed fireside chat titled “Backdoor Wellness: Detoxing From the Inside Out,” has been met with swift condemnation from the entire medical community, the FDA, and most of the sane population of Earth.
“Listen to your gut,” Paltrow said, gesturing to her midsection while perched atop a Himalayan salt ottoman. “But if your gut is whispering ‘I have cancer,’ just plug it with something steeped in antioxidants and intention. I use green jasmine, but Earl Grey works if you’re feeling British or mysterious.”
When asked for clarification, Paltrow elaborated: “Tea is sacred. And the anus is the forgotten chakra. If you combine the two, the vibrations become anti-carcinogenic. My energy therapist, who was once briefly an EMT, or met one at a CPR class he attended one time, told me it’s like colonic chemo. But natural. And more Instagrammable.”
The Goop website now offers a “Reclaimed Tea Bag Insertion Wand” for $179, described as “hand-carved from ethically harvested moonstone and lightly misted with the memory of chamomile.” A limited edition version includes Paltrow’s signature and what the product page vaguely describes as “personalized botanical residue.”
Medical professionals are urging the public not to follow the advice, citing both a total lack of evidence and the basic laws of biology. Dr. Elaine Bruner, an oncologist at Cedars-Sinai, responded bluntly: “Putting leftover Lipton in your asshole is not medicine. It’s a cry for help dressed in overpriced mysticism.”
Despite backlash, Paltrow remains undeterred, teasing an upcoming Goop campaign focused on “reimagining mucus” and a probiotic perfume that “smells like intestinal confidence.”
At press time, Whole Foods locations across California reported a spike in tea sales and a surge of confused customers asking which blends are “anal-safe.”
