In a shocking turn of events that surprised absolutely no one awake during the seventh inning, Major League Baseball has finally admitted that games remain “longer than your Aunt Cheryl’s second wedding vows” and “boring enough to tranquilize a stampede of Red Bull-fueled toddlers.”
Faced with declining attention spans and a generation raised on TikToks and microwaved dopamine, league officials are reportedly considering several bold — and completely unhinged — changes to make the sport more “interjecting,” a term they learned last week from a 14-year-old on Reddit.
Among the proposals:
- Strip Pitching: In a controversial yet oddly popular twist, pitchers must remove an article of clothing for every ball thrown outside the strike zone. Family-friendly games will use tearaway clown suits. Adult-only games in Las Vegas will not.
- The Hot Dog Cannon of Destiny: Random fans will be selected each inning to fire foot-long hot dogs at unsuspecting outfielders. If an outfielder catches one in their glove, it counts as a double play. If they catch it in their mouth, they win a Dodge Challenger.
- Pitch Clock Shock Collar: To speed up play, pitchers will be outfitted with shock collars synced to a 15-second pitch clock. If they delay, they receive “a spicy jolt” described by early testers as “like licking a toaster during a thunderstorm.”
- Fan Participation via Drone: Every 30 minutes, a random section of fans will control a drone that can hover near the pitcher’s face while chanting slogans like “Throw It, Nerd!” or “We Miss the XFL!”
- Hallucinogenic Seventh-Inning Stretch: A trial in Colorado featured hot dog vendors handing out “psychedelic peanuts,” resulting in a spontaneous interpretive dance by the Yankees bullpen and a heartfelt apology from the Mets to “the concept of gravity.”
- Batflips Required by Law: Any player who hits a home run must now execute a choreographed TikTok dance, flip their bat onto a flaming target, and yell “This one’s for America!” or be fined $10,000 and publicly booed by a choir of drunk dads.
Commissioner Rob Manfred declined to comment, but was seen exiting a meeting with Cirque du Soleil, three Vegas magicians, and one guy who claimed to be Evel Knievel’s ghost manager.
As changes loom, one thing is clear: baseball may never be the same. But at least now, you might stay awake past the fourth inning.
