NEW YORK — In a press conference held atop a golden podium made entirely from melted-down Super Bowl rings, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announced Monday that the league’s profits have grown so astronomical, they’ve simply decided to “stop pretending consequences matter.”
“We’re basically printing money at this point,” Goodell said, sipping champagne from a Lombardi Trophy while a bald eagle perched on his shoulder flapped in approval. “Honestly, if players want to bash their heads in like caffeinated rams on meth, that’s fine. We’ll slap a logo on it and call it a partnership.”
League insiders confirmed that with annual revenue now rivaling the GDP of several small nations, the NFL is entering what they’re calling their “God Phase,” in which they operate outside the boundaries of morality, science, and time.
“The players are concerned about CTE? Cool, cool, we hear them,” said one league spokesperson while counting a stack of $100 bills so tall it had its own gravitational pull. “So we’re launching the ‘CTE Awareness Zone’—a fully branded experience brought to you by Monster Energy and Home Depot. Every time a player forgets his own name, fans get 15% off patio furniture.”
Sources close to team owners say they now resolve all ethical dilemmas using a device called the Money Cannon™, which launches billions of dollars at any problem until it either goes away or agrees to endorse DraftKings.
“Look, we love our players,” said Jerry Jones, owner of the Dallas Cowboys, while gently stroking a mink coat made from the beards of defeated quarterbacks. “But we love infinity yachts more. If someone gets a little brain goo shaken loose, we’ll just name a stadium after them. Boom. Immortality.”
In response to the controversy, the league has also unveiled new safety equipment: helmets lined with pure shredded cash and reinforced with legal waivers. NFL doctors, now replaced by vending machines full of ibuprofen and Red Bull, say it’s a revolutionary step forward.
As for the fans, they reportedly couldn’t care less. A recent poll showed that 94% of NFL viewers said, “Wait, what’s CTE?” while the remaining 6% shouted, “JUST HIT SOMEBODY!”
At press time, the NFL was in talks to purchase the moon and turn it into a con
