ANAHEIM, CA — In a move that has stunned the NHL community and mildly disturbed several animal rights organizations, the Anaheim Ducks announced today that they have hired Joel Quenneville as their new head coach, marking his controversial return to the league.
Quenneville, who has not coached since 2021 due to what sources at the time called a “profoundly chaotic misunderstanding involving a midget hooker, a donkey, a vat of baby oil, and a deeply traumatized mascot,” appeared at a press conference this morning to address the media.
“I’m bringing my talents to Orange County,” said Quenneville, wearing sunglasses indoors and sipping from a Stanley Cup-shaped chalice. “This team has grit, talent, and most importantly, no memory of the last decade. Yes Diddy.”
While NHL executives have remained silent, Ducks management defended the decision, stating, “Look, he’s got three Cups. Who among us hasn’t made a few regrettable party-themed PowerPoints?”
When pressed about past controversies, Quenneville waved dismissively, claiming, “That was the old me. The new me only uses organic oils and hires certified party animals.”
The Ducks, currently ranked 30th in the league, hope the hiring will bring a jolt of energy—or at least a bit of chaos—to the locker room.
Fans are divided, with some excited for a “return to glory,” and others already preparing protest signs that read, “Quenneville? More like Quenno-chill.”
