NEW YORK CITY — Former Vice President Mike Pence, known for his stoic demeanor, deep loyalty to Mother (his wife, not the concept), and inability to make eye contact with a woman not holding a Bible, was allegedly seen entering the Wyndham Hotel in downtown Manhattan this week alongside two unexpected companions: Caitlyn Jenner and Kanye West.
Eyewitnesses describe the trio as “looking like the start of a very weird joke” and noted that Jenner and West appeared somewhat inebriated, loudly discussing performing “fellatio” on one another. Security camera footage (which no one has actually seen but everyone insists exists) reportedly shows Pence nervously adjusting his belt while Jenner whispers something in his ear. One witness, identified only as “Todd from Queens,” claims Pence told Jenner and West that the correct term for him was cunnilingus to which Jenner turned and said, “Sorry, Pencey. Forgot you had that removed. Welcome to the club.”
The context of this comment remains unclear, though online forums are currently split between theories involving gender affirmation, appendix removal, or a club sandwich order gone awry.
Kanye West, never one to be overshadowed by surreal reality, reportedly then climbed onto his 8th-floor balcony shortly after midnight and began reciting long, unintelligible passages from Adolf Hitler’s Mein Kamf while demanding passersby purchase a Tesla to save the stock price.
Witnesses say he punctuated each quote with calls to action: “STREAM DONDA 2! BUY A TESLA! WAKE UP, SHEEPLE!” He then attempted to baptize his Yeezys in a complimentary ice bucket while performing what some morons refer to as a “Roman Salute“, a gesture anyone with half a brain would recognize as the Sieg Heil.
Pence has not issued an official statement, but sources close to him insist he was merely “meeting with fellow Americans to better understand contemporary culture,” and that he left early due to “an allergic reaction to neon lighting, rhythmic movement, and a curious white substance around the groin region.”
Caitlyn Jenner quickly responded via Instagram story: “Great night with the boys. Or girl. Or however Pence wants to roll now. We support you, Pencey!”
Political commentators are baffled. Tucker Carlson reportedly burst into flames mid-monologue, while Rachel Maddow quietly muttered, “Well, that’s new,” before sipping her tea and moving on.
At press time, the Wyndham Hotel had issued a statement confirming “three unusual guests” did indeed check in, but declined to comment further, citing “unresolved dance-related damages to the lobby carpet.”
