BIG ISLAND, HI — In what scientists are reluctantly calling “a deeply personal planetary moment,” the Earth reportedly “busted a nut” this past Sunday, spewing molten rock and emotional baggage from Hawaii’s notoriously explosive Kilauea volcano.
Geologists say the eruption marks the 74th time this geological bad boy has “let off steam” since 1983, leading many to suspect that Earth may be addicted to volcano-based release. “Look, tectonic plates grind, magma builds pressure, and eventually—BOOM—the Earth climaxes,” said Dr. Linda Quakehaver, who holds a PhD in Geo-erotic Dynamics. “It’s a totally natural process. Messy, but natural.”
Witnesses described the moment as “hot, loud, and definitely not something you want to be standing too close to,” comparing the eruption to a shaken soda can full of fire and regret. One tourist reportedly shouted, “Damn, Earth really needed that!” before being evacuated for safety and decency reasons.
In a press conference, Mother Earth issued no apology. “I’ve been holding that in since the Holocene. Y’all keep drilling me, fracking me, and denying climate change—I had to blow my top somehow.”
Religious leaders have begun holding prayer circles near the volcano, fearing that further eruptions could lead to what they’re calling “the Big O of Armageddon.” Meanwhile, OnlyFans has extended a premium offer to the Pacific Rim of Fire.
NASA is now monitoring other “aroused” volcanoes worldwide and has issued a Level 3 Eruption Advisory: Buy Earth a drink first, for God’s sake.
More on this story as the Earth lights a cigarette and says, “Don’t touch me, I’m sensitive.”
