Houston, Texas — The 26th United States Secretary of Health and Human Services, Robert F. Kennedy Jr., has confirmed that his long-rumored brain worm is not only alive and well but is now communicating with him telepathically—primarily about the benefits of letting children contract preventable diseases.
According to aides who were brave enough to stick around long enough to overhear the psychic exchanges, the worm—nicknamed “Dr. Squiggles”—has been urging RFK Jr. to continue his passionate crusade against vaccines. “He says the measles are misunderstood,” Kennedy allegedly whispered to a staffer while seemingly under the worm’s control. “They build natural immunity. And grit. We need gritty kids.”
Naturally, the consequences of this advice have been catastrophic. Dozens of states are reporting a resurgence in once-eradicated diseases, but the epicenter, as always, is Texas. Because of course it is.
In Houston, a local elementary school hosted a “Measles Mixer” last week, with one parent reportedly bragging, “My kid’s got the full vintage immune system—no government toxins here. Just raw, unfiltered virus like God intended.” Moments later, the entire PTA broke out in simultaneous whooping cough.
Meanwhile, CDC officials are tearing out what little hair they have left. “This would be funny if it weren’t so astronomically dumb,” said one epidemiologist, chugging his third Red Bull of the morning. “We literally gave the human race a cheat code with vaccines, and Texas just hit the reset button out of spite for liberals dying their hair neon colors.”
Kennedy, for his part, remains unapologetic. When asked to comment on the uptick in childhood hospitalizations, he replied, “Back in my day, we embraced measles. It made men out of boys. And if some of those boys didn’t make it? That’s the square of life. Circle? I meant circle. Sorry, Dr. Squiggles is unfamiliar with the term.”
Also not helping his credibility: Kennedy’s well-documented fondness for heroin during his younger years, which he once defended as “a personal exploration of health freedom.” A recent campaign ad shows him jogging through a field while a voiceover extols “natural immunity, personal liberty, and the occasional speedball, responsibly sourced.”
The brain worm, believed to have taken up residence in Kennedy’s skull sometime during the Bush administration, has not issued a formal statement but did allegedly leak its top five health tips via Kennedy’s dreams. They include:
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Rub oregano oil on everything.
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Let your child lick a playground slide in mid-July.
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Mercury is only bad if you’re weak.
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Trust vibes, not data, and never liberals.
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If someone with a medical degree disagrees with you, they’re probably paid by Big Syringe.
At press time, no one was surprised that Texas lawmakers have proposed a bill to replace school nurses with aromatherapists and horoscope consultants, citing RFK Jr.’s “bold and brave stand against objective reality.”
In unrelated news, polio has been seen stretching in the parking lot.
