Privacy Policy
Effective Date: Whenever You Read This
Welcome to The Fabricated Times, your #1 source for absolutely unverified, completely imaginary news. While our articles are entirely made up, we still pretend to take your privacy seriously—because nothing says “trust us” like a legally worded document we copied from a website that probably does take itself seriously.
1. Information We Collect
We collect two types of information:
- Information you give us: This includes your name, email address, and any comments you leave telling us we’re “idiots” for claiming raccoons have formed a shadow government in Nebraska. We treasure your feedback.
- Information we automatically collect: Like every site run by someone who barely knows how cookies work, we collect your IP address, browser type, and your favorite time of day to doomscroll. This data is primarily used to feel important.
2. How We Use Your Information
We use your information to:
- Pretend we’re running a legitimate operation.
- Email you about new articles, like our groundbreaking exposé: “Time Travelers Caught Cheating on Wordle.”
- Analyze trends so we can tell investors (which don’t exist) that we’re “data-driven.”
- Occasionally whisper your name into the void.
We solemnly swear never to sell your data to third parties. Not because we’re noble—just because nobody’s made us an offer.
3. Cookies (No, Not the Delicious Kind)
Our site uses cookies to track your browsing behavior. This helps us figure out things like whether you’re a human, a bot, or a sentient toaster. You can disable cookies in your browser settings, but our legal team (i.e., Greg from Accounting) says we must warn you that doing so may cause minor glitches in the matrix.
4. Third-Party Services
We may use third-party services like Google Analytics, Mailchimp, and an old fax machine Greg swears still works. These services may collect information in accordance with their own privacy policies, which we definitely read (lol, no we didn’t).
We are not responsible for what these companies do. If they sell your soul to advertisers, take it up with them.
5. Data Retention
We retain your data until:
- You ask us to delete it,
- Our servers are destroyed in a freak kazoo accident,
- Or the internet is outlawed by the Galactic Council.
6. Your Rights
Depending on where you live (Earth, we assume?), you may have rights such as:
- The right to know what data we have,
- The right to delete said data,
- The right to be forgotten (though let’s be honest, the algorithm never forgets),
- And the right to laugh at how seriously we’re treating nonsense.
To exercise any of these rights, send an email to [email protected] and allow 4–6 weeks for our carrier pigeon to respond.
7. Children’s Privacy
This site is not intended for children under 13, mostly because they might believe our stories and we don’t want to be sued when someone builds a backyard Bigfoot trap. If you are under 13, go read a book or something.
8. Changes to This Privacy Policy
We may update this policy from time to time, typically after watching a legal drama and feeling inspired. Any changes will be posted on this page with a date stamp that suggests we knew what we were doing.
9. Contact Us
Questions? Concerns? Alien sightings? Email us at [email protected], or write us an angry letter in Comic Sans. Either way, we probably won’t read it, but it’ll make you feel better.
Thanks for reading our Privacy Policy. Now go read one of our articles. They’re just as fictional, but significantly more entertaining.
